Laurence Sterne’s Tristram Shandy is (in)famous for its many borrowings from other literary texts. In a series of metaphors, Sterne conceptualizes different models of authorship, each in turn sabotaged by irony. The scribe metaphor depicts writing as an act of divine inspiration, but it masks the centrality of borrowing in Sterne’s authorship. Picking-up and settlement metaphors illustrate the “progress and establishment” of opinions—an essential process for forming authorial identities—through the domains of Lockean philosophy and parochial poor relief. While they shed light on the importance of labor, originality, sociability, and knowledge in discourses on authorship, picking-up and settlement metaphors are compromised by their associations with Walter Shandy, Tristram’s eccentric father. No metaphor neatly encapsulates Sterne’s take on authorship, but borrowing anchors all of the metaphors. As textual grafts, Sterne’s borrowings construct an authorship defined by ceaseless, playful conversations between authors, readers, and ideas.